Let Go of the Need to Be Liked

Tough leaders don’t seek approval—they seek results.

Matt Hunter • June 3, 2025

We all want to be liked. You, me, and pretty much everyone else you know. To seek social approval is just about the most human thing there is—but it can get us into trouble, especially as leaders.

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: Chasing likability is a trap for leaders. And it’s one that I’ve seen too many fall right into.

The problem with trying to get everyone to like you is that you often end up having no one respect you. In the process, you lose your edge as a leader.

Great leaders aren’t in the business of making everyone feel good. Instead, they’re comfortable being disagreeable, making difficult requests, and saying the hard things. And not everyone’s going to like it.

My co-author, John Baird, for my upcoming book, wrote a research paper back in the day that found no significant correlation between likeability and leadership effectiveness. In other words, people don’t need to like you for you to be an effective leader. But he did find that they do need to respect you. John’s paper revealed a positive correlation with leadership effectiveness and respect. Leaders do what needs to be done to push forward the company’s agenda, even when it makes others uncomfortable. The most successful leaders are often not the ones who make everyone feel warm and fuzzy, but they are the ones who command respect.

​​Respect isn’t handed out freely—it’s earned through repeated performance and sound judgment. It’s a performance-based emotion, forged over time as people witness your consistency, your clarity under pressure, and your willingness to make the hard calls. While likeability can be won with charm or appeasement, respect is built through action. Each strong decision you make, each standard you hold, and each moment you prioritize the mission over personal comfort adds to your leadership capital. And in the long run, that’s what truly matters.

Steve Jobs was notorious for stopping by an employee’s desk, glancing at their work, and saying, “This is a pile of shit.” Many people didn’t like him, but they liked working for him because he challenged them to be their best. He wasn’t afraid to make unpopular decisions or hold an unrelenting standard. He didn’t make people comfortable—he made them better.

Martha Stewart is another example. Known for her exacting standards and no-nonsense approach, Stewart built an empire by holding herself and others to an almost obsessive level of quality. Many who worked with her described her as demanding, even difficult—but they also recognized her as a visionary with unmatched attention to detail. She wasn’t trying to be liked; she was trying to build something excellent. And she did.

I’m not suggesting that likability doesn’t matter at all. It does. To a certain degree, being likable can help you build strong relationships and networks, establish credibility, foster collaboration, and retain your people. But at the very highest levels of leadership and performance, it’s not the most important consideration—and it often gets in the way of results.

Why? Because likeability often involves compromise, and most people are too quick to compromise on the important stuff. But elite leaders are willing to wage war when they have a strong conviction. The mission comes first, period. As a leader, you must be keenly aware of your company’s agenda, assert that agenda when the situation calls for it, and fight others who want to push a different agenda.

It is very human to want to be liked. The need for social approval has been wired into us for survival—our ancestors literally needed to fit into the tribe to stay alive. Still to this day, we all have an innate drive towards social acceptance, belonging, and inclusion. But in leadership, this instinct can work against you. Leaders who prioritize being liked over being effective often hesitate to give tough feedback, avoid confrontation, and make safe choices instead of bold ones. They compromise too soon, back down too easily, and let their vision get diluted. Contrast that with the world’s most effective leaders, who don’t let the fear of disapproval drive their decisions. And ultimately, people respect this level of conviction.

Likeability is fleeting. Respect is lasting.

If you want to be a great leader, do your best to let go of the need to be liked and focus on making the right decisions—even when they’re unpopular.