Pick Up the Damn Phone
Evaporate drama from your life by going direct.
Imagine this scenario: You pick up your phone to find a lengthy (and frustrating) text, Slack, or email. Whatever it is, it creates a jolt in your system—the information is unexpected and unwelcome, you find it hurtful or insensitive, or maybe you just disagree and think the person is wrong. So you start crafting your own lengthy reply laying out your position.
If I could pause and interject, here’s what I’d tell you: Stop right there.
Stop what you’re doing. Stop writing the reactive text reply. Stop drafting a long email to send back to them with several sub-arguments. Stop stewing over this for days on end. Stop growing a tumor with your unexpressed anger. Stop all that nonsense. Realize that you have an issue with this person and that it’s not going to go away until you speak with them as directly as you can muster.
If you want to be a better communicator, make this your new rule for 2025: No important or emotional conversations over text, email, or chat. Never. No exceptions. If you find yourself typing while triggered, put the phone down, do not hit send, do not pass Go.
Any time you’re triggered by someone—especially if the triggering incident happens via an incoming message—pick up the phone and call the person in question. Or better yet, get together with them IRL as soon as possible.
Why? Because digital communications are a wasp’s nest of potential misunderstandings and miscommunications. It’s not the optimal format for engaging in conflict and finding resolution. I’ve seen time and again with my clients that having important or emotionally-charged conversations via text leads to drama on all sides that ends up draining everyone’s time and energy.
If you want to evaporate the drama, you’ve gotta escalate the conversation.
This simple but radical act will eliminate so much drama from your life, that it’s ridiculous. It’s a miracle cure for high-conflict lives. It’s a must-do regular move for leaders looking to win.
Escalating the Conversation
Many different scenarios justify escalating the conversation from online to offline. If you’re conversing over Slack with a teammate and you get confused, pick up the damn phone. If you’re responding to an email and notice anger arising, pick up the damn phone. If you’ve received a text that causes concern, pick up the damn phone. Escalate, escalate, escalate. Take a few minutes to work it out now so that it doesn’t hijack your day (or week!), or worse, create long-term relational damage.
There are two main ways that things can go wrong when engaging emotionally over email, text, or chat:
- The impulsive response: You send a reactive response from a triggered place which you inevitably regret later. This often serves to further the conflict.
- The over-thought, over-wrought response: You spend ages crafting your argument and getting more entrenched in your position without meaningfully engaging the other party.
The first is pretty self-explanatory. Responding in a moment of being triggered is an action that any thoughtful person should try to avoid (click here if you need a refresher on mindful communication). Let’s focus on #2, which is where I tend to see more problems.
In my practice coaching leaders through challenging business and interpersonal conflicts, I see way too many people spend hours typing up a response, which they then pass along to an unassuming spouse, friend, or colleague to proofread. What this is effectively doing is building an argument for why you are just, honorable, and “in the right.” Your well-intentioned friend then bolsters and validates your position of being a good person, agreeing that the other person is clearly crazy.
This is a huge mistake for several reasons, chiefly because you are digging yourself into a hole of drama that will be harder and harder to get out of the more you dig. Let me explain.
At their essence, conflicts get resolved when two people can understand each other’s position and work creatively to find a solution that works for both parties. When you focus on bolstering your position, you are focusing on yourself and why you’re right, instead of what you should be doing: Understanding what’s happening from the other person’s vantage point. The more you know about the other person and their position, the more likely you are to have a productive resolution. If you share a novel about how your position is right without any understanding of where the other person is at or what they’re experiencing, your chances of a productive resolution are slim.
If you’re not sure what to say, lead with curiosity. What are the facts of this situation as the other person sees it? What’s their side of the story? What do they need? How did this make them feel? And then: How did it make you feel? What do you need? What do you want to do about this? It’s not about being right. It’s about understanding where they’re coming from and working together to resolve the conflict.
It’s Not the Time to Write Your Novel
Of course, there are a few companies where resolving conflicts through writing works for them like Basecamp or Automattic. So take what I’m saying with a grain of salt. Context matters. But in general, what I see nine times out of 10 is someone gets triggered by an email, they fire back with a long email that resembles a novel, they stew on the problem, it consumes their energy, and then the other person sends their novel back and is also stewing on it for the day. Now your (and their) attention is shot, and your productivity (and their productivity) are shot. Based on what I know about human beings, I wouldn’t ever recommend resolution via writing.
Not to mention, we miss so much data and emotional subtext in written communication. It’s an incredibly inefficient way to get down to the truth or resolve a conflict.
So the next time someone sends you an email like this, pick up the phone and end it right there. You want to be a drama-ender at your company (and in your life), even if someone else starts the drama.
When you notice back-channeling, gossiping, or politicking, you want to be the person who makes the move to end it right there. Generally what that looks like is having the two parties engage in a good-faith, honest conversation to resolve the conflict—speaking face to face like adults, or at a minimum, over the phone. For example, if a co-worker tells you in private that another person isn’t pulling their weight or isn’t doing good work, you should stop your co-worker in their tracks and ask them if they’ve shared this with the person already. If they haven’t, you encourage them to go to them to share it. They may need a little coaching to feel comfortable enough to go for it.
Going direct unlocks more compassion, more connection, and our shared humanity. In the age of AI, we’re only going to need these things more. When you’re in connection with someone, looking into their eyes, it’s hard to keep a death grip on your point of view, especially if you learn about an intense challenge they’re dealing with that you were unaware of. If done right, this will save you a lot of time, effort, and drama.
To upgrade your communication in 2025, don’t forget this rule of thumb: when you escalate the conversation, you evaporate the drama.